New.

I just got home from running. I took the same course I took on Monday but when I took the turn to head back home I went down a different street. I liked seeing different houses and branches and cars and when I got to the loop I usually take around the park I saw that there was a perfect path beaten down and it ran right down to the side of my house. I wish I had a picture of it so you could see. I know it doesn’t really make sense if you have never been to my neighborhood. Well I took the path. I didn’t feel like I was cheating, it just felt like a different path. I had a horrible cramp in my side so it was nice to not have to take the whole loop around the park and back down my street.

My mind was somewhere else today while I ran. I still got to that point where it was as easy as one foot in front of the other but I was not aware of what was around me. I was more aware of what was in my head, the books I am reading, the book I want to write, the music I was listening to, the person I want to be. I was deep in thought. I suppose that is also a form of meditation.

I kept thinking about why I was running in the first place. Like I’ve said before, I have started running several times before and quit after a few weeks. The first time was around this time last year. Maybe it was closer to May. In any case I started running and I thought I had found the meaning of life. I ran for a little while and then quit. The next time was last fall. That was for my mental health. I ran so I wouldn’t be depressed or angry or sad. It kind of worked. I stopped after a vacation to Santa Fe. Then there is now. I think now I am just running because I enjoy it. I keep wondering what makes this different? What will keep me running this time when I didn’t those other times? Myself? Maybe. When I run now I don’t think about how skinny it will make me or how much better I’ll look. I just do it. Maybe that is the difference.

Blocked.

I started writing the book I have been wanting to write for a couple of months now and I have found that I can’t find the element that initially drew me to the idea in the first place. I can’t figure out what point of view to tell it from or how to evoke the emotion I felt when I had the initial idea. I don’t know what’s wrong. I feel like I need inspiration so I am reading. I think I’ll end up reading several novels at once. Perhaps the overload of beautiful words will help. So here is a list of novels that evoke the emotions I need and that have that special quality of writing that I love so much. Feel free to add your own ideas. I need all the help I can get.

“House of Leaves” Mark Danielewski - The horror and paranoia of this book is amazing. I wish I could write with the same attention to detail.

“The Virgin Suicides” Jeffrey Eugenides - This book is beautifully depressing. I love the concept of the authors presenting evidence to the events surrounding the Lisbon girls.

“Lolita” Vladamir Nabokov - I am reading this for the first time. Nabokov has layers of prose like Conrad. It’s beautiful.

“American Gods” Neil Gaiman - I just love him. The myths and legends executed so perfectly.

Any other suggestions are welcome.

Focus.

I ran two miles this morning. I didn’t set out to run two miles, it just sort of happened. At first I was running and then I was just moving. It was like an out-of-body experience. It wasn’t work, it was just putting one foot in front of the other over and over again.

I like running on surfaces other than concrete, like the grass or sand, because it forces you to be aware of every step you take. You have to watch to make sure you don’t trip over something. That’s what I focused on as I ran. I didn’t think about the future or how skinny I was going to be. I tried to stay aware of everything that was going on around me. I paid attention to the twigs and branches I had to step over, the holes I had to leap over, the curbs, the cars, everything. I felt like I was beyond existence. I think that was my first meditation. Meditation while running.

I have tried to be more aware in general. I have been trying to focus on “Right View.” I feel like I need a mandala to carry with me. A necklace or something to remind me. Not a material possession but a point of focus. Most of Buddhism just brings together things I already wanted to change about myself, things I wanted to improve. Especially about being aware of the things you own and how you use them. I haven’t bought myself any clothes in over a month. I mainly spend my money on food and gas and kitty stuff. That’s all I need.

Bitten.

I told you there would be an update. While putting away the hamsters today I got the crap bitten out of my finger. I gushed blood and since I was already in a state of stress, I burst into tears. Over a rodent. Perhaps I somehow karmically influenced this by mentioning hamsters yesterday…

At lunch I wrote. Though the break room of PetCo is not at all creatively stimulating, as it is mostly covered with posters explaining how to prevent shrink, but I had been thinking about my story all morning so I had to get it out. This story is sort of vexing me. I know that I want to tell it. I am, in fact, obsessed with it, but how to tell it. What point of view, that is what is troubling me. I have decided to just let it come out how it will. I am sure the characters will let their stories be told. I just have to facilitate this. The mind of a writer is an interesting place to say the least. Perhaps an update later…

Amazon.

” I am an all powerful Amazon warrior,

not just some sniveling girl.”

-Ani Difranco

I went running. In the cold. And I liked it. I think I’m growing as a person. Also, it just occurred to me that I have to work tomorrow. Expect an update on the hamster situation.

Progress.

There are two more pages after those. I made progress. Thank you Modest Mouse and Radiohead.

Journey.

All my life I have tried to reach a number of destinations, not realizing that there is no final destination. It’s all a journey. I may reach a goal or five along the way and that’s great but they are not the end. Many of my goals involve health, of the mind and the body and the spirit for that matter. I have come to realize that even if I reach some of those goals there is always more to accomplish.

I have always shied away from religion as a belief system but I love learning about the religions of the world. For me, religion is a salad bar. Pick what you like, leave what you don’t. That works to a point but I suppose there has to be some structure otherwise you just do whatever you feel like. I enjoy learning more and more about Buddhism because with Buddhism there are rules but they have practical reasons behind them, not just the threat of eternal damnation. So I think next week I will start on the Wheel of the Dharma, the Eightfold Path. The first step is Right View. I must spend the week observing the things that I think and believe. I have to evaluate them as well. Are these things positive or negative? Do they assist me on my path to enlightenment or are they roadblocks? What can I do to improve my attitude and beliefs?

I know I think a lot of negative things so this should be interesting. I don’t try to but I’ll admit there are some things I am rather jaded about. I suppose that is the point though, improving yourself and stepping away from the negative. I am sure I will be writing about it a lot. Hopefully that will help keep me focused. Now I must go compose a play-list to fuel the writing process.

Clarity.

I finally went running today. It made me feel both good and bad. Sure I had that high you get from exercise, that feeling like you are the skinniest most powerful person in the world. But it was also a reminder of another resolution to myself that I had broken. Before it got cold out I had a whole work out planned… and then I stopped running. It was cold and I got lazy. I always feel terrible about that. I make these plans to get healthy and exercise and it lasts for a little bit and then it’s over.

Maybe it’s the way I think about it. It shouldn’t be something I have to do but something I want to do. I do enjoy running, especially when it is accompanied by Classic Rock. That was a discovery I made today. You wouldn’t believe how “Carry on My Wayward Son” will pump up your energy, that and “Highway to Hell.”So tomorrow I guess I’ll rest. You are supposed to rest between days. Then on Thursday I’ll run again. Hopefully that pattern will continue and I’ll feel better about myself. Then next month I can start meditating and maybe I can reach enlightenment by Thanksgiving. We’ll see.

Release.

I wrote something. I wrote two somethings actually but before I did that I got a new tattoo. Last year I drove to Arkansas to meet Neil Gaiman. He stayed and signed something for everyone there and I got my copy of Stardust signed. He drew a little picture of a moon and star so that is what I got for my third tattoo. Here it is along with the rest of them…

Excavation.

I feel like I have many stories inside my head. They come out of nowhere sometimes, just appearing in my mind like a vision. The trouble for me is confidence, actually having the guts to sit down at the computer and start writing. My fear of writer’s block keeps me from writing. That is so stupid. So here I sit at the computer with ideas flowing freely and I’m not in a word document. I’m here. On my blog. Writing about how I can’t seem to write. I guess I just needed a warm up. I’m going to go write now.